Blessed is the man whose sins are not counted against him...

If you, O Lord, should mark iniquities,

O Lord, who could stand?

But with you, there is forgiveness,

That you may be feared.

Psalm 130: 3-4

I asked the Lord

I asked the Lord that I might grow

in faith, and love, and every grace;

Might more of His salvation know,

And seek, more earnestly, His face.

'Twas He who taught me thus to pray,

And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,

As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,

Ar once He'd answer my request;

And by His love's constraining pow'r,

Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel

The hidden evils of my heart;

And let the angry pow'rs of hell

Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed

Intent to aggravate my woe;

Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,

Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,

Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?

'Tis in this way, the Lord repliedm

I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,

From self, and pride, to set thee free;

And break thy schemes of earthly joy,

That thou may'st find thy all in Me.

I asked the Lord

Hymn written by John Newton

Ponderings...

As I attempt to do a wee bit of job searching for the fall of this year, I'm contemplating what it is I want to be. And, of course, if you know me at all, if you've had a conversation with me once, you know I want to be a wife and a mother. As I've probably mentioned in conversation, "My little heart desires to be a wife and a mother." And that's the truth.

I have to have some sort of career, and I don't know why I would desire anything other than that which the my Father has created me for. How the Lord has blessed me, and all women, to allow us to make that our careers. It's either that or working as a teller in a bank (or some other job, but you get the picture). And I know I would much rather be with children all day, and standing around the kitchen. Slightly stereotypical, yes? Extraordinarily exhausting? Oh, baby... I don't even begin to understand it. Worth it when I rock my sweet baby boy to sleep at night, or when my darling girl opens her Bible and I hear her say, "Daddy... why...", or when the families around us wonder how we are patient and loving to our children while still disciplining, and I get to tell the mom about the gospel and my Savior. Oh, you better believe it's worth it. My heart desires that. Why would I want another career. And if that be in America, so be it. And if it be in Germany, so be it. And if it be in some village in Africa, so be it. I can be a mother in all of these places, as I joyfully follow my husband.

But for now, I don't have a husband. And I surely do not have children. And I must pursue some other form of work. But I stop to think what my goals are, if being a wife and momma are not in my foreseeable future. And I realize all too quickly, for its never been a secret, that my goal right now is look more like Jesus and to pursue that with a fiery passion while keeping my eyes fixed steadily on the beauty of the gospel.

Oh, the thin lines we must decide to cross or not...

John 4:35...

"Do you not say, 'There are yet four months and then comes the harvest'? Look, I tell you, lift up your eyes, and see that the fields are white for harvest."...

"Even though many today will be wearing black, they're truly white (or ripe) for a harvest. We must begin to look in places where traditionally the church would never go, for the spread of the gospel." (Cole 76).

This is a hard one for me. I naturally fall into legalism. It's easier for me. It also feeds my pride.

Today I listened (for the second time through) to Driscoll's sermon "A People of Tension". Hit on the same idea. Such a hard balance between the two... between going to far into sin, or too far into legalism... which is also sin. It's frustrating. And it's so hard for me to humble myself into associating with 'those people.'

John 17:15-18... "I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them in the truth; your word is truth. As you sent me into the world, so I have sent them into the world."

What did Jesus do. He didn't avoid any appearance of evil. You would have to not read Scripture to think that he avoided every appearance of evil. Bad translation, bad lack of studying what words really mean. Yada yada ya... We are to be in the world, not of the world. What does that practically mean.

And yet we must get the gospel to these people who are running, running, towards hell. Because God has his elect, and some of them are in the bar, and some of them are whores, and some of them are the most hateful people you will meet. But they are his, and the gospel must be preached to them.

And because Jesus passionately pursued these people, we, too, must passionately pursue them with the gospel. And we will fail, but Jesus is our perfect righteousness. We're free to fail.

The Sacrifice of the Son and the Father's Tender Affection

"Consider what the gospel says. It does not tell us what we have to do to please God. Instead, it announces that God is already pleased with us through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. God is as pleased with us as he is with his own Son. This liberates us from seeking the approval of others. At the same time, it frees us from striving for God's favor. We already have the tender affection of his eternal love. What more do we need? Nothing more, which is why the one true gospel is such amazing good news." Philip Ryken

People tend to have the mindset, no matter what culture you look at, that you must do something to please God. That's right, you must do it. I've heard it said that, "I'm not that bad. I think God will let me into heaven." Oh my soul, beware. Do not become self-righteous. God does not let sins slide. He does not weigh you good deeds and your bad deeds. Psalm 89:14 says "Righteousness and justice are your throne;". Sins must be paid for one way or another.

I find myself so often nonchalant about the gospel. About the gospel! About the fact that the Father's tender affection is upon me, when all I deserve is his wrath. And in the gospel should be my joy. Yet it's not. I should be entirely wrapped up in the gospel. And yet I'm not.

Yet... I need not make myself have joy in the gospel in order for the Father to fully accept me. Once again, it comes back to Jesus and his performance. Not mine. Because of Jesus, the Father accepts me. Fully and completely. He sees me as righteous. And my sanctification is learning to believe that. To fully and completely believe that. To fully and completely rest in the truth that regardless of where I put my joy, because I am in the Son, his tender affection is fully upon me.

And if we have the approval of God, the absolute, unconditional approval of God. Why would we need the approval of man? And again I realize that if I truly rested in the fact that I have absolute approval from God, I would not seek it from man. But every time, when in my sin, covered in pride, I find myself desperately seeking the approval of man, I am at that moment forgetting what Jesus has done, and that I am accepted by the one who can save or destroy my soul, and he chooses to save it, for I am in his Son. And I will forget. Over and over again. But the Spirit that dwells within me will teach me, as I ask him to make me look more like the standing that I already have with the Father.